Ok which part of this equation don’t you understand pal? When I’ve got the headphones on my head it generally means that I’m listening to music and not the ramblings of some rude knob head like you coming up and asking me for directions. This also applies to the same breed of ignorant, selfish pricks that ask those idiotic questions when I’m talking on the phone. If I’m on the phone it means I’m talking to someone and its not you so lets keep it that way….this really is kindergarten stuff isn’t it?

If you’re going to ask, why not ask one of the other 8 million people in this town and make it someone who isn’t doing something else. We really don’t have time to hold your hand and point you in the right direction when you are acting like a spoilt little child. Also say please and thank you when you’re bothering someone to help you….its called common courtesy or didn’t mummy teach you that one either?

Solution: Buy a map, call a friend, ask someone else or just go away!

So there are a couple of points to cover here. I fly fairly regularly, as do a lot of my friends, and one consistent point that comes up is the issue of overweight baggage. We know that airlines protect themselves from being sued by the unions who represent the baggage handlers, by enforcing the limit per bag thus eliminating the possibility of injury and that’s fair enough. But if I show up with 3 bags that exceed the 24 kilo limit then I get fined for every kilo I am over.
Here is my point, when I’m paying more money to the airline for my excess, I’ll turn around and see a 300 pound bloke who’s got a suitcase weighing 23 pounds. Now surely shouldn’t the weight rule be gauged on the combined weight of passenger AND luggage. Old fat boy behind me not only checks in his little bag with no charge for his personal fat and weight excess, but also takes up the equivalent of 2 seats as well and frustrates the passengers next to him or her. That’s another rule width restrictions; we’ll cover this one first though.

Solution: Scales on the ground in front of the check in desk. Each bag can’t weigh more than 20 kilos (to protect the luggage workers), but if the combined passenger and baggage weight is more than 250 or whatever seems reasonable you get charged. Simple rule that also encourages people to stop eating so many fucking big macs.

Yes I know, obvious and yes I know we need it, but therein lies my point, we do NEED it so lets make it universally equal. I do not care if I am flying out of Buttfuck, Ohio (wasn’t that the 9/11 attackers way?) or Heathrow, the security HAS to be uniformly the same. I do not want to fly out of Heathrow to be told its ONE piece of hand luggage only meaning I have to check my suit carrier, to then return from Toronto a week later only to be told its fine to take 2 pieces on “especially as you are in 1st Class sir”. Isn’t that what the 9/11 gang flew too?? Sort it out globally or don’t do it at all. And you know it will be busier at certain times so open all the security lanes please! When I am put in Fastrack, that’s what I fucking expect it to be! Oh and another thing I am still waiting for LAX security to return my expensive lighter to me they confiscated last year! Any sign of that…oh no course not, some bloke is sparking up his Monte back home along with all the other shit he’s taken off us.

Solution 1: One global agency that sets the standards in and for all airports. Each country then controls staffing, training and upkeep of the standards and laws set by this agency. Makes sense to have one set of laws right?

Solution 2: www.elal.com - Now that really is security on airlines.

Oh yeah what a great tool this is on the World Wide Web. Oh hold on that’s not quite right is it. Try and download the “Hotel Chevalier” short film by Wes Anderson advertised before the movie “The Darjeeling Ltd”. Its great if you live in the US and have a US iTunes account but otherwise no luck hey. Someone tell those fuckers over there that the world does not exist between East and West coasts ONLY. There was me thinking it was just George Bush that suffered that problem. And while we are on the subject why do downloads cost different prices depending on where you are in the world…….

Solution: One price globally for each song or album. Not varying prices in each country. Easy!

What mate? Can you break that one down for us because we never understand it completely and it happens all the time. We do comprehend that you can’t leave a table half filled for very long as those covers and time are valuable to your business but when 6 out of 8 of my group are here, can’t you just seat us, rather than making us wait at the minute bar in the corner, starring at the fucking table we are about to sit down at. Silly rule you need to change this policy and seat the group, really very simple. Oh and whilst you’re up make yourself useful and grab us some beers would you, cheers.

Solution: Seat people as they arrive, if 80/90% aren’t at the table within 15 minutes from the reservation time, start asking questions. If not shut up and let us eat, drink and be merry.

This is a plus and a minus rated post. Firstly, the plus is for all the bands, businesses and creative types who have used these tools to further their art form, better their business, sell more records or whatever the positive outcome has been….its a great, free marketing tool that furthers your communication and brings it directly to others without the fat cats getting a slice. Furthermore, it created one of the first internet social networking mediums and I’m all for more positive communication and people better understanding themselves, others and the world at large. So I won’t bash these sites completely, but sadly with anything original these days, it gets commercialized and becomes polluted by some form of what is written below….

Here’s the minus….to the people who sit there for hours on end every day trying to accumulate cyber friends, get laid and/or have meaningless conversations with other people, who they will never meet, but refer to them as their “friends”, we don’t want to hear about it anymore or dare ask ask us if we’re on it….Piss off. You’ve taken your best photo, retouched it and used it as your bait to entice other vacant users to come and have a chat about fuck all.

Unless you’re in the 10-18 age group, get on with something more productive like actually meeting up with friends and doing something! Also, why don’t the real friends who seem to chat on myspace or facebook just call each other and make arrangements, rather than letting every other person on the website or the entire web itself see what your shit plans are and what’s going on in your little world.
The irony of the whole thing is that when these people believe they have all these imaginary friends in front of them, they are sitting at home in front of the computer at 2am ALONE. The catch phrase for myspace shouldn’t be “a place for friends”, it should be “a place for twats”. Next…….

Listen cowboy, when a couple of musicians put a hat on 3 years ago, it looked natural. The old school boy, who lives in the bowler or the panama has been there before you were even born. But to the new adopters and the all very predictable. You’re getting the wrong attention fellas, what you’re getting is us looking at you thinking piss off twat. The hat thing is over, done, finished…..so please new recruits get on your horse and ride out of town. Its pretentious as fuck and so are you. Next….
PS – Waistcoats over t-shirts can go in on this one too, fuck off with that shit would you it belongs under a suit.

Solution: Thoughts anyone?

Really?! Do we need these? Push or Pull, surely we can work that out. If we do have the need for these how about doors that stay OPEN unless no one is within 50 yards? Not ones that open and shout as often as LiLo’s legs! I do not want to have to check my stride every time I go to walk through one of these because it doesn’t react quickly enough. Oh and also if you MUST have them, please have ones that slide apart in the middle and not the kind that swing open, because I don’t want to have to dodge and weave like Marvin Hagler every time I attempt to enter the fucking bank! Really, does it have to be this hard?

Solution: Revolving doors. Saves on energy and keeps the cold out. Simple and cost effective too.

Here we go, an immediate, powerful and effective tool and instrument to show how WE have the power to create instant positive environmental changes. Pay a little more now for the product, but suffer a lot less later. Read this fact from their website…….

“If every household in the U.S. replaced just one 4 pack of 400 sheet virgin fiber bathroom tissue with 100% recycled ones, we could save: 1,450,000 trees, 3.7 million cubic feet of landfill space, equal to 5,500 full garbage trucks, 523 million gallons of water, a year’s supply for 4,100 families of four, and avoid 89,000 pounds of pollution!”

Every business should be doing this at the least. Make it a healthy tax write off when you use all these products. Tell your friends, parents, brothers, sisters, neighbors, lovers, everyone. It’s easy to buy at the store and/or online (see the links below) there is no excuse for not practicing this as the norm. Should be a federal national (or worldwide) law. The other super toxic and hazardous shit has to go its 07. Have a look at the site…..

http://www.seventhgeneration.com
http://www.seventhgeneration.com/our_products/find_store.php

We’ve all seen these ridiculous vehicles driving around our cities, usually in custard yellow or bile green, one bloke inside, window down, head set on and playing crap music in order to draw further attention to what a completely selfish, unconscious, insecure little man he is. Firstly Action Man these cars, as most of us know, were designed for the military until a hip hop artist customized one for his video and General Motors capitalized on it. They were not designed for driving around New York, London, LA or any other city on the planet. They were built to drive on off-road terrain. Not for mincing about like a wannabe urban commander knob head. Whilst you are getting 5 miles to the gallon and driving your handbag around (because thats all you can fit inside anyway) the rest of us are trying to reduce our carbon footprint and set an example for the younger generations. You are not helping in any way, shape or form. So listen you selfish pig, please drive your toy tank into the scrap heap, melt it down and make a cage to lock yourself up in, because you are a fucking hazard in this day and age. Have some consideration for everyone around you and stop over compensating for your tiny dick. And finally if you drive the H3 series (the smaller version) you really can just drive into the scrap heap and stay in the car. Grow the fuck up all of you.

Solution 1: If you can afford a Hummer, BUY this instead…..http://www.teslamotors.com/

Solution 2: Or one of these…….http://www.hybridcars.com/cars.html